Sex and Self-Forgetfulness: Honoring Each Other in Marriage

When I picked up Sex and Self-Forgetfulness, I expected a challenging book. I just didn't expect it to challenge me quite this much. My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and we chose to read it together. Looking back, I'm glad we did. This isn't a book I'd reserve for newlyweds. In fact, I think couples who have been married for many years may appreciate it even more because it encourages you to revisit assumptions, habits, and conversations that are easy to leave untouched over time. One of the book's greatest strengths is that it gives you a biblical foundation for intimacy rather than focusing on techniques or "improving your sex life" in the way many marriage books do. Its concern is your heart, your marriage, and how Christ-shaped, self-giving love transforms intimacy. That makes its principles timeless rather than trendy. We found ourselves discussing topics we'd never really talked through before. Some conversations felt uncomfortable at first, but they were good conversations to have. The discussion questions and practical exercises make it easy to stop reading and actually engage with each other instead of simply turning the page. What I appreciated most was the tone. There is conviction, certainly, but not condemnation. As a woman, I especially appreciated that I never felt burdened with guilt, which unfortunately can happen with some Christian books on marriage. Instead, the author consistently calls both husband and wife to the same standard of humble, sacrificial love and mutual service. I'm not sure what I would improve. It's biblically grounded, practical without becoming simplistic, and honest without becoming crude. If you're looking for a manual about techniques, this isn't that book. But if you're looking to build or strengthen a Christ-centred marriage on a healthy biblical foundation, this is one I would gladly recommend. Read it together if you can—you'll probably have conversations you didn't even realise you needed.

I think most married couples would genuinely benefit from the thoughts in this book, along with engaged couples, or even singles who want a healthy, biblical vision for sex in marriage. Doug does well what a lot of Christian books on sex struggle to do: 1- Talks about sex honestly, without being vague or crass. 2- Is deeply practical for everyday people. 3- Grounds everything in a clear, Scripture-shaped framework. The chapters are short and to the point, which I appreciated. Each one begins with a relatable story and moves quickly into real-life application. Some chapters tackle questions like, “Why is it so hard to talk about sex with the one I love?” Others help you think through bringing past sexual sin into marriage or learning to approach sex with humility. The variety and brevity make it easy to actually use, not just read. This isn’t a theological tome; it’s a practical resource for couples to read together, with discussion questions and prayer points at the end of each chapter. If you long for sex to be more pure, lovely, and intimate in your marriage, this is a resource worth picking up. As a pastor, this is something I plan to use regularly in pre-marital counseling.